Northenden Pipe Band

Established 1970

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Have a laugh at these (or not!)

Q. How can you tell a Bass or Tenor Drummer is at your frontdoor?
A. The knocking speeds up!

Q. How can you tell when a Bass or Tenor Drummer is at your door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in!

Q. Why do Bass & Tenor Drummers keep losing their watches?
A. They're always having trouble keeping time!

So many drummers, so little time. (Ouch!)

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
 

  • Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
    A. Shoot one.
     
  • Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
    A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
    A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
    A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
     
  • Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
     
  • Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
    A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
     
  • Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
    A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
     
  • Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
    A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
    A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
     
  • Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
    A. Gifted.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
    A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
     
  • Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
     
  • Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
     
  • Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
    A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
     
  • Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
    A. Add vibrato.
     
  • Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
     
  • Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
    A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
    A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
     
  • Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
    A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
     
  • Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
    A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
     
  • Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A. A bagpiper.
     
  • Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
    A. Drool.
     
  • Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
    A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
     
  • Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
    A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
     
  • Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
    A. Someone is blowing into it.
     
  • Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
    A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
     
  • Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
    A. Their personalities.
     
  • Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
    A. No one knows when to come in.
     
  • Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
    A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
     
  • Q. If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
     
  • Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
    A. A start.
     
  • Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
    A. Who cares?
     
  • Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
    A. To get away from the sound.
     
  • Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
    A.Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.
     
  • Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
    A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
     
  • Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
    A. Shoes and socks.
     
  • Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
    A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt. 

  • Watch this space for more fun


     

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